i hold a wolf by the ears

not every haunting is terrifying

january is the embodiment of winter hope. bitter, spiteful, biting, but uncertain, which makes it beautiful.

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on the drive home, every car strips me of my autonomy; every traffic light, the sign of waiting in a land of stagnancy.

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it’s been six days since the red glow of exit sign obscures my peripheral view. six days since the last call. you should be out there clapping for me.

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when the night is almost over, the writers say the freshly baked lemon loaf made to avoid the lemons’ rot and to finish the expired flour is an act of preservation, an act of love for everyone at the dinner table, who requested the ingredients. i disagree on the basis that selfishness is the motive behind not letting anything be left to waste.

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selfishness is more long lasting than love after all.

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i hold a wolf by the ears, a tiger by the tail. i never learn to let go and the beasts find me harmless so on we walk, my hands on my side, more miles than the days since we last spoke. it doesn’t matter if we tolerate each other’s company out of habituation, if i tamed them because i don’t want them to leave, or if my fear response is shot in the head; the dilemma has long since dissolved. maybe, the dilemma never existed. we all live for our ghosts. i am haunting the predator as prey they have not eaten. i am haunted by the fact that what should hurt me is not hurting me at all.

someday i may say, not every haunting is terrifying.

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artwork: Candle, Kawano Kaoru